


Alive, So Alive

by lulumonnie



Series: WLW Ships Because We Deserve More [2]
Category: Avatar: Legend of Korra
Genre: Angst, Asami's POV, Because I can't not write happy endings, F/F, Happy Ending, Internal Monologue, Introspection, So much angst dude this is really sad, no beta we die like humans i guess
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-09-12
Updated: 2020-09-12
Packaged: 2021-03-06 16:48:37
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,580
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26432185
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/lulumonnie/pseuds/lulumonnie
Summary: A mission goes south and Mako brings Asami some terrible news.
Relationships: Korra/Asami Sato
Series: WLW Ships Because We Deserve More [2]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1915417
Comments: 7
Kudos: 107





	Alive, So Alive

**Author's Note:**

> Alright, fair warning before you read this: It's sad and I made myself cry.

Asami fell down onto her bed.  _ Their _ bed. It was too soft. Too fucking soft. Too empty. Too cold. Asami stared at the ceiling and she felt her body contract with innumerable sobs but her eyes were dry. She’d cried herself hoarse for days, weeks, months and she had no more tears left to cry. She’d never felt so weak, so alone, so broken. She’d been broken ever since Mako had come back from the Southern Water Tribe three months ago. 

* * *

‘Asami’, he said, his voice broken. Asami had never seen him look quite so gaunt and exhausted. 

‘I-Korra-She- she fell’, he forced out and Asami felt her heart drop, her legs give out and she was on the floor, staring at Mako’s feet and her entire being was so cold, so so fucking cold. 

‘No’, she croaked out, her voice weak. 

‘No’, she said again, planting her hands on the floor and pushing herself up. ‘She can’t be gone. Not my Korra, she can’t be’, Asami said, her voice getting louder. ‘She’s too strong, she survived, I’m sure, she can’t be d-no, Mako you’re wrong, she can’t be!’

Asami didn’t realise that she was shouting. Tears were running down her cheeks, her hands fisted in her nightgown that she had been wearing when Mako had knocked on the door to Korra and Asami’s apartment. 

‘She’s alive, she’s fucking alive, she can’t be dead’, she shouted, her voice shrill in the dead of the night. Mako crouched down, putting a hand on her shoulder and pulling her into a hug as Asami kept murmuring to herself, her body shaking with sobs as she realised what Mako’s silence meant. 

She was gone. The love of her life was… gone. The most wonderful human being Asami had ever met, the most opinionated, the strongest, most compassionate and kind and beautiful person on this planet was gone. Dead. Lost. 

She screamed, she shouted, she sobbed. Mako held onto her as she drenched his shoulder, gently coaxing her to get up and to head back inside, leaving the door open and bringing a sobbing Asami to the couch. Asami could hear footsteps in the corridor but she couldn’t bring herself to care. She couldn’t hear, couldn’t feel, couldn’t see, the only thing was pain, immeasurable pain. It felt like her heart had been ripped out by claw, leaving her hollow and empty and aching, aching so much. 

There were whispers at the entrance and she could hear Bolin’s and Opal’s voices, but she could only hear a few words. 

‘What happened?’ Opal seemed to be asking. Mako answered something Asami couldn’t hear because her body was shaken by a violent sob and then she could hear Bolin crying. 

* * *

Asami couldn’t remember much from the rest of the night. At some point Mako had coaxed her to lie down on the couch. She refused to go back to bed, it smelled too much like Korra. The next days passed in a blur of hurt and pain and the only thing she could do was cry and scream, cursing every god she could think of. Mako, Bolin and Opal hadn’t left Asami’s apartment, trying their best to help her, but there was nothing they could do to fill the hollow in Asami’s chest that was widening every minute. The sadness inside her spread and spread, eating her up from the inside. She spent her days lying on the couch, staring out the window and barely eating, sleeping or drinking. There was a constant stream of people heading in and out of her apartment, Tenzin and Pema, Jinora, Ikki, Meelo and Rohan, their eyes puffy and red. Kya and Bumi had come along, quiet and leaving a bag of chocolate. Opal spent a lot of her time trying to feed the three of them some form of food. Mako and Bolin managed to eat something but Asami barely got herself to eat even one spoonful. The apartment was covered in chocolate and flowers and Asami often stared at the mountain of letters on the couch table. 

_ Long letters and empty words _ , she thought bitterly.  _ Letters and chocolate won’t fucking bring her back. _

After three days, Lin had sat down on the couch next to Asami. Asami was still wearing her nightgown from _ that night _ . She hadn’t heard Lin come in but then again, she hadn’t been paying attention at all. Her hands were clasped around a red and blue band with a white carved stone attached to the middle. 

‘What’cha got there, kid?’, Lin asked, her voice uncharacteristically soft. 

Usually, Asami would have made a quip about how she really wasn’t a kid anymore at 26, but she could only find the strength to push the necklace into Lin’s hands. 

‘Engagement necklace’, Asami whispered, her voice rough from misuse. 

Lin gasped.

‘You wanted to-’

‘She already said yes. I’d asked her parents and everything before. We- in my culture you’re not officially engaged until you’ve held a ceremony. I asked her- the night before she- left. She said - she said yes. And-’

Lin was quiet while Asami felt new tears spill down her face. She patiently waited for Asami to finish her sentence. Asami was grateful. Too many people had been too demanding, asking her constant questions. Lin didn’t. 

‘She told me to keep it safe for her - until she could wear it’, Asami finished. Lin awkwardly put an arm around her, pulling Asami against the metal armour Lin was wearing, patting Asami’s shoulder. Asami appreciated the quiet. 

Lin didn’t leave for hours. She somehow managed to get Asami to eat at least a piece of bread and drink some hot tea. 

* * *

If anyone asked Asami what she did in the three months after Korra’s death, she wouldn’t have been able to answer. She barely remembered anything. The funeral had been gigantic, all of Republic City had been there. It felt removed from the Korra Asami knew. This funeral was for Avatar Korra, not the Korra that made silly faces in the mirror when the two of them had brushed their teeth together. Not the Korra that Asami had gotten to kiss every night before bed and every morning before getting up. Asami wanted to scream at the entire world to just stop, stop, stop, because long-winded speeches from officials that barely knew Korra felt like absolute bullshit. 

They didn’t  _ know _ Korra. 

The only reason Asami had been able to get through the long-winded, sensationalized funeral was because of the constant press of Opal’s, Bolin’s, Mako’s, Wu’s, Kya’s or Lin’s shoulder against hers. The six of them had somehow conspired to never leave Asami alone, and while it sometimes felt like being baby-sat, Asami appreciated the company. Her friends had understood that words wouldn’t help and just sat next to her, sometimes holding on to her. 

The speech she had to hold had been one of the hardest things she’d ever had to do. She saw Tonraq and Senna in the front row, both looking utterly lost and she nearly lost all nerve, but she somehow managed to read through the speech she had rewritten over and over and over again. As soon as she had stepped off the stage, she buried her head in her hands and sobbed, sullying the sheet of paper crumpled in her hands. She was surprised she even had the strength left to cry after weeks of pain.

She spent two months after Korra’s funeral alternating between sitting on the couch and staring at the wall of pictures Korra had insisted they have in their apartment and burying herself in work. 

Asami just wanted to stop. Thinking. Stop feeling. Stop hurting so much. But there was no way. So she turned to the next best thing and threw herself into her work, barely remembering to eat and drink if her friends didn’t come to her office to feed her silently. The engagement necklace lay on Korra and Asami’s unused bed. Asami slept on the couch, if she slept at all. 

* * *

‘Asami, you need to rest’, Bolin said one day, his warm voice full of concern. 

‘I’m fine’, Asami insisted. ‘I need to finish this project.’

‘You’re not fine, Asami’, Bolin said, laying a hand on her shoulder. He meant well, but the weight of loss and lack of sleep made Asami snap. 

‘Alright, I’m not fucking fine. The woman I wanted to marry fucking died, of course I’m not fucking fine, Bolin.’

Asami felt coldness spread through her veins. She hadn’t meant to yell at Bolin. But looking into his face, she could only see concern and sadness. 

‘I know’, he said softly. ‘Let me take you home. Please.’

Asami looked at him for a while and then nodded weakly. She didn’t want to be awake anymore. 

Bolin held her close on the ride back to Asami’s place, quietly humming a tune Asami didn’t recognize. He deposited her on the couch, kneeling in front of her. 

‘Please sleep tonight’, he begged, his eyes full of concern. Asami nodded absentmindedly. 

‘Promise me?’

Asami nodded again. 

‘Good’, Bolin said, getting up from his knees, pressing a kiss to Asami’s forehead and squeezing her shoulder one last time before he made his way towards the door, closing it behind him. 

Asami spent a few minutes staring at the wall, but she finally managed to get up. It wasn’t exactly clear what had changed tonight but she slowly made her way towards the bedroom. 

It hadn’t been opened in months, the last time she’d only quickly deposited the necklace on Korra’s pillow directly after the funeral. 

‘I’m home, baby’, Asami mumbled, choking around the familiar greeting. She half expected Korra to come out of the closet with a smile on her face but she was alone.  _ So alone _ . 

Korra wasn’t here. She wasn’t here because she wasn’t anywhere. She was gone. Asami fell down on the bed, turning around to face the necklace on the pillow. The sight of everything she and Korra could have had made her want to cry again but she was so so tired and so so empty and it felt like there wasn’t anything left in her but a hollow, black pit. 

Asami didn’t know when she’d drifted off to sleep, but she was awoken by loud knocking. Disoriented, she sat up, realising that she’d fallen asleep without even taking off her shoes. The knocking continued. Asami cursed. She didn’t want to get up. She wasn’t sure if she had the strength to stand up, when the knocking on the door started sounding like someone trying to break it down. 

Alarmed, Asami picked up the electric glove she kept in her nightstand and slowly walked towards the door. 

‘Step back if you don’t want to be electrocuted’, she yelled, her voice scratchy and unlike her own. The scuffling outside stopped abruptly. Asami stepped towards the door, turned the key and ripped it open, glove at the ready. 

A metallic clang reverberated through the hall as the electric glove fell to the floor. Asami stared at the woman in front of her, thinking that she had finally gone completely crazy with grief.

In front of her was...Korra. Beaten up, bloodied and with her hand wrapped in gauze but it was Korra. Asami choked as she tentatively stretched out her hand, afraid, so afraid that the vision in front of her would disappear when Korra whispered  _ Asami _ and suddenly, Asami had a whole armful of vision and Korra felt real,  _ so so real _ . 

Korra smelt like dirt and sweat and  _ Korra _ and her heart was beating and she was breathing and her body was warm, her skin soft, her hair tickling Asami’s nose and oh my god Asami was holding Korra, Korra was here, she was alive, she wasn’t gone, she was alive, alive, so alive and breathing and panting and Asami was crying again, wringing tears she didn’t know she had out of herself. 

‘Asami’, Korra whispered into Asami’s long, unkempt hair. 

‘Korra’, Asami sobbed, holding onto Korra with a death grip. ‘I-we- I thought you were- dead’, Asami forced out, interrupted by strong sobs as she buried her nose deep in Korra’s hair and shoulder, grasping so tightly at Korra it must have hurt, but Korra was doing the exact same thing. 

‘I nearly was’, Korra whispered into Asami’s ear and Asami cried harder because she’d missed that voice so much. ‘I got hit, badly. I fell off that cliff and the spirit I was fighting carried me off to a cave somewhere. It had some poison and I- I couldn’t get free until last night when I finally figured out how to bend the poison out’, she explained, holding onto Asami so tightly she nearly cut off her air supply. 

‘I thought I’d never see you again’, Korra said, slowly letting go of Asami and drawing back to lean her forehead against Asami’s. 

‘We held a funeral- Korra, it’s been three months, I-’, Asami said, her eyes wide and red, still with tears running down her face. She was staring at Korra, still not quite believing what she saw. 

‘Asami, I am so sorry’, Korra said, her own face streaked with tears and dirt and blood, but so  _ alive _ . 

Asami surged forwards to kiss Korra, to kiss her just so she could make sure she was really there, to kiss her because she wasn’t dead, she was here and alive and Asami hadn’t thought she’d ever be able to kiss the love of her life again. 

The kiss was wet and Asami could feel the tears and the snot running down her face, could taste the dirt on Korra’s lips, but it didn’t matter. The kiss was perfect, because Korra was alright, she was alive and Asami was never going to let her go again, because Korra belonged in her arms, kissing her, not in some monster’s cave. 

‘If you ever do this again, I swear to fuck I will find your dead body and revive you and punch you’, Asami mumbled when they finally parted, unable to come up with a more effective threat because all her thoughts were swirling around the girl in her arms. 

‘I won’t’, Korra promised, tightening her arms around Asami. Korra slowly pulled the two of them towards the bedroom, sitting down on the bed and kicking off her shoes. Asami did the same. Together they fell back on the bed, Korra’s head catching on the necklace. She turned around to inspect it, a small smile spreading on her tear-stained face. 

‘See? You kept it safe until I could come back and wear it again’, she murmured, handing the necklace to Asami. Asami pressed her forehead against Korra’s and fastened the necklace around her girlfriend’s neck, letting the hands linger, just to make sure that Korra was  _ actually there _ . 

Neither of them could tell how long they spent staring into each other’s eyes, just holding onto each other and reveling in the fact that they were both alive and okay and they were going to get married and the other was  _ really there _ . 

When they finally did fall asleep, Asami thought that finally, after three months, the bed didn’t seem too soft or too cold. Korra was in bed with her and she was okay. The bed was warm and full and soft, and Asami slept well for the first time in three months, wrapped up in the arms of her future wife. 

**Author's Note:**

> Thank you for reading! I hope you enjoyed, let me know what you thought! If you want to talk korrasami or just lok and atla, my tumblr is @flameyohotdamn.


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